A little while ago, Steve and I were talking and decided that it would be good for me to get out of the house once a week for an hour or two, baby-free, for some me time. Meet a friend for coffee or just take some time to myself to walk around the mall. I did it a handful of times but the habit didn’t really stick. Last week was a stressful week for me with Caleb. I was frustrated, to be quite honest. See, here’s the deal. When Caleb was about 3 months old, people were always asking how our sleep situation was going. And, almost 100% of the time, they were expecting us to say that we were still waking up with him throughout the night. But at 3 months, Caleb decided he was going to sleep from 9pm to 9am every night. He did this for months. And then, very suddenly at around 6 or 7 months, he started waking up at the very least two times throughout the night. For a bit I attributed it to a growth spurt. And then sometimes teething (which I still cannot figure out when that’s happening). But since growth spurts and teething typically don’t last for months on end, I was baffled as to why he would never sleep through the night anymore. And last week, my battles with his sleeping really got to me. Not to mention he was extremely fussy during the days. So, in an effort to get me to relax, Steve mentioned that I haven’t been taking my weekly hour long mommy me time breaks. And that I should.
I went out on Thursday and, can I just tell you, it was weird. I know it was only about an hour and a half but it was just plain weird. I was trying to savor the time to not have to focus on anything besides relaxing and my own thoughts but it wasn’t going well. I felt awkward. I didn’t even know where to go. I wandered the mall aimlessly, sort of lost, and then drove to Target. I was walking through the store and then it hit me: I was in the baby section. I was out, without the baby, supposed to be having some personal time and here I was looking at Christmas clothes and imagining how cute Caleb would look in them. And it hit me that becoming a mom has really just changed my life completely. I have a new purpose now and even when I try to allow myself 1-2 hours to myself to let someone else take on that responsibility, I can’t. That little boy is my life. And I love him so much. I was just blown away and overcome with the swelling love and sense of responsibility I have for this crazy little cutie pie.
It’s so amazing to think that one day he wasn’t here and, within a few seconds, he was and our lives changed completely. And, it’s weird, but I often have a hard time thinking of a time when he wasn’t here. He has impacted our lives so much.